Before They Pass

A Time For Words - Before They Pass

As a pastor I have officiated more funerals than I can count. Weddings are different. I can count them on one hand. One time I did a wedding and then a funeral, for the husband, all in the same week. 

Whether it is a wedding or funeral they both evoke feelings, but I have to say a funeral stirs up the most deeply held feelings of all. Yes, feelings of life after death, but also feelings of the right here, right now. Feels simply involve the life they have lived and what amends need to be handled while still alive to do so.   What things do I want my loved ones and friends to know, that just maybe, they are not aware of. 

There are several questions and issues that need to be answered and be established in the heart and mind of the one dying. Definitely more so than for the ones that will be left behind.

There are most definitely issues of life that need to be settled in the mind and heart, on an emotional and spiritual level, for one to be able to freely move on. 

Number one… This is probably at the top of anyone's list.  “Will I be remembered?”

You mattered and you will not be forgotten. That is why mankind strives so hard to attain immortality. Pharaohs, Kings and Presidents have all strived for this very same basic human emotion to be satisfied. Pharaohs built pyramids and other burial chambers, Kings conquered lands, and Presidents built libraries and put their names on them. Would any of us be any different if we could?  Probably not. None of us want to be no more and simply fade into obscurity. We want to know we will be remembered and talked about after we are gone.  That is while people leave money to charities and non-profits, like libraries and Save the Dolphins. That’s why others may write a book.  It is all an attempt to not be forgotten.  I get it.  I think we all get it. A person standing at that last door of life needs to know they will not be forgotten. Sadly, there are some that will not be forgotten for other ill reasons.  However, I have always said that even in death your enemy should not have to face it alone. No one should face it alone. 

Number  two… we all want to take care of business. I am not talking about wills, trusts and estate planning.  We want to deal with all of the unspoken things. These next five things are crucial. 

The Long Good Bye's

1. Please forgive me

We have all done something to wrong another.  Sometimes we are fully aware, sometimes we don’t even have a clue. Regardless, when someone is at the end, looking at the last door to be opened and closed, it is not lost on them that there can very easily be something they need to address, and ask that loved one for forgiveness in regards to. That is a release both parties need to have for inner peace to reign.

2. I forgive you

Life is full of moments that linger in our minds of people and snapshots of time where we felt betrayed, attacked, and somehow deeply wounded by another.  Maybe it was a friend, neighbor, co-worker, family member, past relationship that is no longer viable, as in presently active. Certain relationships are long gone for various reasons, but even when they are no longer present, forgiveness can be extended to them. Sometimes we as a friend or family member, of the one dying, that happen to be aware of the issues, need to be that encourager that comes alongside them, and walks with them through the process of letting go and extending forgiveness. Even when it is an individual they most likely will never see, nor hear from again, forgiveness can flow.   

On the other hand, there are those that are still present in the individual's life that can be interacted with directly.  If you, as a member of the inner circle to the one dying, happen to know one or more of those individuals, and are able to encourage them, facilitate a coming together moment, I feel you are obligated to do so! Being forgiven and extending forgiveness is very powerful and full of healing that once again can bring inner peace. 

3. Thank you

The words “Thank you” can flow in both directions.  But I think it is highly important that they flow to the one soon to pass.  Thank them, and let them know they were appreciated.  Even in those scenarios where the individual possibly, in all fairness, does not have a Thank You coming. Even though there were times you were not grateful and you did not appreciate their contributions.  Just simply thank them for being there. Sadly, but also beneficially, there are times I was glad for certain people to be in my life. It allowed me the opportunity to see and experience what I don’t want in my life, what I don’t want to be to others in life. But for many of us, even though there were terrible times, I was often a better person for what they brought into my life and I wish to tell them Thank You!

4. I love you

With my folks, we always said the words “I love you.” For some that may have been foreign and upon hearing it, thought  - “Wow, you guys always express your love to one another. My family never did that.”  I actually had individuals say that to me.  However, when you do it consistently and so often that it becomes just words and kind of cliche, it loses its value. But, my siblings and myself made up for it through our actions. We really went out of our way to honor our father and mother, during the final chapters of their lives, even when we did not feel like it, nor did we at times feel they had the kindness of love coming to them.  Like all families we had some really bad moments, especially with our Father. But, in the end my siblings and myself did rise to the occasion through our actions. Because love is not necessarily words, but actions, things you do, not say.  My father in the end always expressed his deep appreciation for what we were doing for him. He clearly saw it and did recognize it. He truly expressed it with emotion. Even though, through it all we felt very inadequate in doing our job in caring for them. We feel we could have done better. Just being there everyday that we could, spoke volumes to him. 

But if words are all you have, a heart felt “I love you and always have” accompanied with proper body language when doing so goes a long way in allowing someone to let go and move on.

5. Goodbye, or… is it see you later.

When your loved one is nearing death, it is important to end each conversation in a way that will be okay if it is the last time you speak. For some it is “Good Bye” for now, because I intend on  

Seeing you later. For those of us that have a strong belief in heaven, because we believe on the one that can get us there (Jesus).  It is more of a “See you later.” Not really a Good Bye. As the Apostle Paul wrote: “To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.”

Casual goodbyes are sloppy.  They are more sloppy for the one heading out the door than it is for the one soon to pass.  "See you around,” or "I've got to run, so bye for now,” may leave you wishing you had said something different. Your goodbyes don't need to be mushy. Just say goodbye in a way that lets the person know that he or she will always be important to you.

If you are leaving for a longer period of time and are unlikely to see the person again, your goodbye may be more emotional. Be bold enough to acknowledge openly that you don't know whether you'll be able to see them again. Say what needs to be said. Remind the person again of what he or she means to you. Saying goodbye in a satisfying way can prevent regrets after the person is gone.

The above mentioned brings closure for many. I have seen it.  

There is one constant in life… It is death, and we all have an appointment with it. And, while drifting through life on our way to our own appointment we will experience it with loved ones and friends.  Handle it with grace!

2 Corinthians 12:9

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”King James Version (KJV)

Contributor: Brent Hartford (September 19, 2025)